The last time the United States economy was worse than it is today, there were millions of people living a semi-nomadic lifestyle. People would travel from county to county, state to state, or across the country from job to job. These people lived out of their cars and ate whatever they could.

That time was, of course, the Great Depression. Unfortunately for us, it looks like bad times might be rolling on in again, like the billowing clouds of the dust bowl.

After seventy years of good times, Americans have lost the skills necessary to survive such a storm. We are a pampered people.

Fortunately, we also have the Internet, a treasure trove of information our ancestors could never have had access to.

Without further ado, I would like to present:

Surviving the Recession: Lesson 1, living on the road with nothing but your car and your wits.

Part 1. How to steal gas, from Cheech and Chong

If you are going to spend your days driving around, looking for fruit that needs picking and ditches that need digging, you will need some gas. Unfortunately, gas costs money. Even though the price of gas has plummeted since the summer, the cost will add up.

In a dog-eat-dog world, you are going to need to learn how to steal gas right out of someone's tank. All you need is a tube, a container, and a pair of lungs.

Chong has the basic concept down: by drawing any liquid in a container up through a tube - in this case gasoline - and bringing the opening of that tube below the surface of the liquid it will begin to drain.

Nevertheless, they made many many mistakes. To perform this illegal (it is, after all, stealing) maneuver remember to:

• Use an empty container with a narrow opening so it does not slosh and so it is easier to pour, such as a milk jug or a proper gas can.
• Use a clear plastic tube to draw the gas out so you can see it before you get a mouthful.
• Just be cool, man.

There are plenty of people on the Internet who advocate what are arguably better methods of stealing gas, like this guy. But those methods also involve buying expensive pumps and tubing. If you can afford all that, you are better off just buying the gas.

Part 2. How to skin a squirrel, from some redneck on Youtube.

Admit it: you've looked at the squirrels running around campus and thought, "damn, that looks tasty."

Anyone can hunt a squirrel. Every movie in history involving people stuck in the wild has a scene where the main characters hunt and eat small animals. Monkey see, monkey do: you know how to catch a squirrel if you have seen these movies. Make a trap or something.

After the beast is nabbed, movies always cut to a shot of the characters eating said small animal. The actual preparation is never covered.

Have no fear: YouTube is here.

This guy has his own "squirrel skinning knife," as though he does this often enough that he has a knife dedicated to just that purpose.

On second thought, tuna is a cheap, wholesome source of protein that doesn't involve blood and fur.

Part 3. Cook food on your car's hot engine, from some people who think they are hot shit

You are going to need a way to cook that squirrel once you have it nice and clean. Unfortunately for you, ovens are a luxury for those lucky enough to have homes. All you have is your car, a dead squirrel and some stolen gas. If you can get your hands on some tin foil, then you have all you need for a satisfying, filling meal.

This video is for hotdogs, but it still applies to what we are doing. Just put the food in tin foil and find a nice hot part of your engine to stick it on. If you have butter or oil, try spreading some of that on the tin foil so your food doesn't stick to it. You can also use metal wire to keep the food firmly in place

As in the video, canned food can also be cooked this way. All you need to do is vent the can and put it somewhere secure.

More detailed instructions on car engine cooking can be found here.

Part 4: Sleep in your car, from Howcast

With the sun set and your belly full of squirrel, its time to go to bed. You can't afford a hotel room, but the next best thing is your car. Think about it: unlike a tent or cardboard box, its waterproof (well, most of the time). That alone makes it above all other options. Nevertheless, it has limitations. But don't worry, the Internet is here to help.

By now, you can survive on your own on the road. All you need now is how to protect your hoard of squirrel meat and gasoline from angry mobs of people, and you are set.

If there are any other skills you feel would be necessary to learn to surviving the recession, feel free to comment below.

I can't believe there are less than two months until Barack Obama is president. With all the talk of change in the air, I can't help but think what I would do if it was me taking control of the Oval Office and not Obama. So, without further delay, here is what I would do in my first few days as president.

1. Invite America's "enemies" over to the White House for a friendly game of Risk.

Risk: the game where you try to conquer an over simplified and war-torn Earth. It is the perfect game to play out real-world rivalries.

By enemies, I mean those world leaders who are more like rivals. The ones who don't have America's interests at heart, but aren't currently killing anybody. People like Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Putin, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

It doesn't matter if I win or lose the game. By playing Risk with these men, I would learn aspects of their personalities that would help in future diplomacy.

Is Putin the kind of jerk who would pile up all his troops in Australia, never venturing out until he ran out of plastic soldiers and the other players had beaten each other into having one soldier per territory? Is Chavez the kind of fool that tries to fight a land war in Asia? Does Ahmadinejad brag about having three cannon cards so that other players strengthen their borders in anticipation of the coming onslaught, only to be lying completely to bide himself some time so he can fortify Kamchatka?

If I ever found myself in negotiations with these leaders, I would know if they were the kind to lie, overreach or pop my continent.

2. Hire George W. Bush as the court jester.

Bush led the country during the most depressing eight years of U.S. government since James Buchanan left office. But his continuous bumbling and misunderestimation of the problems he faced also led to a golden decade of political comedy.

It was a decade that gave us Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert; a decade that brought political comedy out of the dark age of fellatio jokes that was the Clinton years and into an age of wit and intelligent humor.

Comedians across the political spectrum have admitted to having trouble making jokes about Barack Obama. He's too cool, too inspiring, too smart.

I don't know about you, but I don't want this age of political comedy to end. As president, I would appoint George W. Bush to a position where he would have absolutely no ability to do any more damage but plenty of opportunities to embarrass himself on TV. I'm thinking he'd make a good press secretary because he would be the center of daily unscripted press conferences.

Why would W. submit to such demeaning treatment? Well, if he had the threat of war crimes tribunals and criminal charges for torture over his head, he might even clean the White House toilets.

3. Fly Air Force One to Area 51 and ask to see the aliens.

I am sick and freaking tired of turning on The History Channel and getting inundated with conspiracy theories about aliens and Roswell and all of that crap instead of learning something about history. It all comes back to this one place: Area 51, a military base in Nevada so secretive and sinister, you can see it on Google Maps.

Area 51 is where the U.S. government has been keeping the alien corpses, the moon landing sound stage, the proof JFK was killed by Martians and where the ghost of Ronald Reagan continues to rule America via that kid from "The Sixth Sense" who could see Bruce Willis.

If there is one thing I hate, it's people who believe stupid things because they read it on the Internet. There is nothing at Area 51 but a bunch of aircraft hangers, fuel tanks and a runway.

It's just a place where the government can test new planes without the Russians watching.

If I were president, I would put a stop to all the conspiracy theories by heading over there with a film crew. What are they going to do? Tell me to go away? I'm the president!

So that is what I would do if I were in Obama's shoes. Perhaps you're glad he's in charge and not me. I know I am, but I still would have liked to see the look on Chavez's face when I attacked South America (silly man thought he could survive with only two extra reinforcements per turn!)