The Beatles' White Album turned forty only a few weeks ago. It was a monumental piece of work, released on two LP's with 30 songs. Within its plain white cover could be found some of the Fab Four's most memorable and sonically satisfying work, including my favorites "Revolution 1", "Happiness is a Warm Gun" and "While my Guitar Gently Weeps".

It really is the Beatles' best album and is perhaps my favorite album by any artist.

Still, the whole thing is longer than 90 minutes. With all that music, at least some of the songs are bound to be bad. In 1968, The Beatles were at the peak of their art but also the peak of being famous, rich and high. The fact that there are 30 songs on this album suggests to me that the Beatles were just stuffing every song they thought of into it. No one was telling them a song or two blowed. Everything made the cut simply because there was no cut.

So in honor (honour?) of this monumental anniversary, I would like to share some of the doozies that accompany it.

Rocky Raccoon

I actually like this song. It tells a story, and not many artists are willing to do that anymore.

But that doesn't make up for the fact that its Paul McCartney singing country. It feels like it belongs in the soundtrack of "O Brother! Where Art Thou?" and not the White Album.

It starts out with Paul warbling like a Tennessee Blue grass artist saying "Now somewhere in the black mountain hills of Dakota there lived a young boy named Rocky Raccoon". He goes to describe how Rocky seeks revenge on the man who stole the "girl of his fancy". Now no self-respecting country singer would ever put "girl of his fancy" into a song, even if said girl's name was Nancy and rhymed really well (just like the girl in McCartney's song). This British phrase almost ruins the song.

After getting shot by his rival, Rocky finds a Gideon Bible in his hotel room and starts to get better, the assumption being the experience makes him a new man.

Hopefully Rocky was reading the New Testament and its message of hope and forgiveness. If he was reading the Old Testament, then Rocky is probably still plotting his revenge as we speak.

Helter Skelter!

I know what you are thinking: "But Jon, Helter Skelter rocks. It rocks hard."

Yes, it does rock hard. It is proof that the Beatles invented metal and has more reverb and power chords than entire Metallica album. It rocked so hard that Charles Manson thought it was a prediction that the black race would rise up and enslave the white man, inspiring him to start a cult and murder people. This song rocked that hard.

It's also a song about a slide.

The lyrics can be demonstrated using this simple diagram:

1. When I get to the bottom
2. I go back to the top of the slide
3. Where I stop and turn
4. and I go for a ride
5. Till I get to the bottom and I see you again

The song fades out at one point as though it is ending, only to fade back in and continue to rock. It is as though the character of the song gets to the bottom of the slide, doesn't have fun for a while because he needs to climb the ladder again, then has fun again cuz he got another turn on the slide.

Ringo got blisters on his fingers for a slide.

Revolution 9

This song has a reputation for being God awful, so I never listened to it. I knew this one had to make it into the list, so I subjected myself to it. It reminded me of that guy who had himself waterboarded to see if it was torture.

If the torturers at Guantanamo Bay subjected terror suspects to this song, we would have found Osama bin Laden by now. They would get away with it, too. When human rights organizations ask them what they are doing, they just need to say "We're just asking them what they think of the Beatles."

In other words, I think the Beatles invented techno.

Only they forgot the whole "beat" thing. They just stuck a bunch of random sound clips next to each other. The thing sounds a bit like flipping channels on five TV's with the volume turned all the way up, and some asshole keeps saying "number nine" over and over again. And there's an orchestra warming up next door in a sound proof room and someone keeps opening the door.

I would never embed this song on my blog, but if you really want to hear it, click here.

Honorable Mention: Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey

It's a good song with a weird name. No where is it explained why John Lennon has a monkey, but if I were a rock superstar who spent time in India, I would probably have one, too.