I can't believe there are less than two months until Barack Obama is president. With all the talk of change in the air, I can't help but think what I would do if it was me taking control of the Oval Office and not Obama. So, without further delay, here is what I would do in my first few days as president.

1. Invite America's "enemies" over to the White House for a friendly game of Risk.

Risk: the game where you try to conquer an over simplified and war-torn Earth. It is the perfect game to play out real-world rivalries.

By enemies, I mean those world leaders who are more like rivals. The ones who don't have America's interests at heart, but aren't currently killing anybody. People like Russian Prime Minister Vladmir Putin, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

It doesn't matter if I win or lose the game. By playing Risk with these men, I would learn aspects of their personalities that would help in future diplomacy.

Is Putin the kind of jerk who would pile up all his troops in Australia, never venturing out until he ran out of plastic soldiers and the other players had beaten each other into having one soldier per territory? Is Chavez the kind of fool that tries to fight a land war in Asia? Does Ahmadinejad brag about having three cannon cards so that other players strengthen their borders in anticipation of the coming onslaught, only to be lying completely to bide himself some time so he can fortify Kamchatka?

If I ever found myself in negotiations with these leaders, I would know if they were the kind to lie, overreach or pop my continent.

2. Hire George W. Bush as the court jester.

Bush led the country during the most depressing eight years of U.S. government since James Buchanan left office. But his continuous bumbling and misunderestimation of the problems he faced also led to a golden decade of political comedy.

It was a decade that gave us Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert; a decade that brought political comedy out of the dark age of fellatio jokes that was the Clinton years and into an age of wit and intelligent humor.

Comedians across the political spectrum have admitted to having trouble making jokes about Barack Obama. He's too cool, too inspiring, too smart.

I don't know about you, but I don't want this age of political comedy to end. As president, I would appoint George W. Bush to a position where he would have absolutely no ability to do any more damage but plenty of opportunities to embarrass himself on TV. I'm thinking he'd make a good press secretary because he would be the center of daily unscripted press conferences.

Why would W. submit to such demeaning treatment? Well, if he had the threat of war crimes tribunals and criminal charges for torture over his head, he might even clean the White House toilets.

3. Fly Air Force One to Area 51 and ask to see the aliens.

I am sick and freaking tired of turning on The History Channel and getting inundated with conspiracy theories about aliens and Roswell and all of that crap instead of learning something about history. It all comes back to this one place: Area 51, a military base in Nevada so secretive and sinister, you can see it on Google Maps.

Area 51 is where the U.S. government has been keeping the alien corpses, the moon landing sound stage, the proof JFK was killed by Martians and where the ghost of Ronald Reagan continues to rule America via that kid from "The Sixth Sense" who could see Bruce Willis.

If there is one thing I hate, it's people who believe stupid things because they read it on the Internet. There is nothing at Area 51 but a bunch of aircraft hangers, fuel tanks and a runway.

It's just a place where the government can test new planes without the Russians watching.

If I were president, I would put a stop to all the conspiracy theories by heading over there with a film crew. What are they going to do? Tell me to go away? I'm the president!

So that is what I would do if I were in Obama's shoes. Perhaps you're glad he's in charge and not me. I know I am, but I still would have liked to see the look on Chavez's face when I attacked South America (silly man thought he could survive with only two extra reinforcements per turn!)